22 months.

That is the amount of time that has passed since I've last posted on this blog. So much has changed since then that it kind of makes me nauseous to even consider. I was a junior in high school in January of 2012. Today, it is November 7, 2013. And I'm a freshman in college. Allow me to update you:

• I was diagnosed with anxiety in the spring of 2012 -- remember those health issues I mentioned previously? Yep. After several visits to numerous different types of doctors, it was determined that I was just fairly messed up in the head.
• Our varsity lacrosse team that year held a near-spotless record and came out as league champs. It was totally awesome.
• Summer before senior year is a blur...dare I go back to it? One of my fondest memories from it was going to Maryland for lacrosse. The heat almost killed us during the day but the nights made it all worthwhile.
• Senior year began in a rapid fire that left me dazed and confused. I dove more into my inner scientist and wound up taking AP Chemistry, Honors Research in Molecular Genetics, and Calculus in addition to the required English course (AP Lit) and AP Spanish. And, of course, a photography course that I grew to love due to my quirky group members and wildly eccentric teacher.
• Our football team was excellent. They went undefeated all season and lost at the last possible game --the state championships -- at Kean University to my cousin's high school from Central/West Jersey. Regardless, it was still a season to remember.
• Hurricane Sandy rolled around in October and messed with us a hell of a lot. It kept us out of school for a week and nearly left the Jersey Shore in ruins. But we're stronger than the storm... *cue song* ...aaaand I got to spend my summer in Long Beach Island as usual. Much to my relief.
• College applications. Need I say more?
• In February I finished Book One of the trilogy that I am writing, so perhaps that draft isn't so endless. I have yet to find a literary agent but I received feedback from two of my friends (two and a fifth, maybe, because Jamie didn't get to finish the whole book) including my sister, who is one of the most harsh book critics I've ever met. She loved it.
• And so I am onto Book Two, and I have been since March or so. Unfortunately, I only have a prologue and four chapters as of right now. College has been rough, cut me some slack. When you go to an engineering school it's a bit difficult.
• I was a co-captain of my lacrosse team this past spring -- very fun.
• Afterprom left me shitfaced for days, but prom was wonderful. My date was the best I could have asked for.
• I got extremely into hockey this year as well. Stanley Cup Finals began around this point on the timeline and I went absolutely nuts. One of my favorite teams -- the Chicago Blackhawks -- was going far until they faced another preference -- the Boston Bruins -- in the final round. It was difficult to choose who to root for, but Chicago has had my heart since '08. They won the Cup the night after graduation.
• Speaking of, I graduated high school on June 20, 2013 and left for Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute exactly two months later on move-in day. I am a biomedical engineering major here and it is extremely difficult, but it's exactly what I want to do.
• I also went back to playing volleyball since being here. Funny, because senior year of high school I sat the bench (even on senior night) so trying out for the club team here was not my number one priority. Yet here I am, as one of the only few girls who made the team, and I love it. It's funny, because I came to RPI thinking I was going to play lacrosse, but I realized it wasn't for me and took up volleyball instead. In high school, I thought volleyball was going to be "my sport," but that ended up being lacrosse. Oh, how the tables have turned.
• Throwback to the post I made after Jamie and I went to our first high school party...college is insane compared to it. I partied a bit more senior year but exploded when I got here. I was nervous about RPI not having much of a social scene due to our huge nerd population, but once you get past the initial nerd you meet a lot of really awesome people. I hang out with a lot of the athletes and the more normal frats. Normal attracts normal, I've realized.
• I never did end up getting that boy from high school, but I left him back in Jersey and I haven't really given it much thought since. Guys have been better here. I've gotten more action in three days than I did all four years at PV. Tthe super conservative girl downstairs calls me a slut behind my back; it's rather comical when you learn to embrace it. Don't ask me how these things make sense.
• On a more family-friendly note, I get to write for the sports section of the school newspaper, and I absolutely adore it. We may not get a lot of reads, but sports and writing are my safe havens. Going to the games makes me so happy because it gives me something to cheer for even if I'm not cheering for myself. Sometimes if I'm lucky I even get to livetweet the hockey games.
• I'm finding my way in college, though. What I love is how I get to meet people from all over the world because we're the place to go if you want to pursue engineering. My best friend is from Tennessee -- who'da thunk?! 

My life has truly done a full 180 flip, but I guess that's just what happens when you go in search of a Great Perhaps. And honestly, I can't say that I care all that much. Change is good, I've come to discover, as long as we look forward to it and take it head-on.
I hope to post again soon.
:)

"Your problems are nothing compared to other people's."

You may be right in the eyes of many, but I completely disagree.

I'm not talking about other people's problems, I'm talking about mine. Oh God, I'm so sorry that all I do is complain. I'm so sorry that I'm annoying. I'm so sorry that I'm grumpy or silent or unresponsive to your jokes. Because I have a lot going on right now, I have a lot in my head - too much for a sixteen-year-old girl. Stupid, petty problems, according to ~other people's~ problems.

•  College. That is all.
• I am failing English because my teacher hates me no matter how hard I try.
• Putting everyone else before me leaves me with no prom date (I mean, I don't really care for prom anyway but everybody is pushing me to go so...).
• I need to get better at lacrosse or else I'll sit the bench.
• But what does it matter?
• The boy I've been trying to impress for the past three years doesn't care anyway.
• In fact, nobody does.
• Is that what's making this sickness worse? Maybe I'm depressed.
• If I am in fact diagnosed with clinical depression nobody will ever look at me the same.
• I'll be looked at and treated like a bomb ticking away, nearing explosion.
• I'll be ostracized.
• Everything I say will be questioned.
• Yet on the other hand, if it's something physical, could my life do a full turn in the opposite direction?

But no, some people have real problems. Mine ~could be worse~.

Anxiety?

Megan & I at the field in June

Maybe. I don't know. Something is wrong with me right now, but I have to go to a specialist in order to find out what exactly this problem is. Many have suggested the thought of anxiety due to fear of having - God forbid - a life-threatening disease, or midterms coming up, or really anything that puts stress on my life in general. But I myself am not even sure. It feels like the symptoms change everyday, and forget about Google. Googling your symptoms is one thing that you should NOT do when you're feeling sick, because trust me - it just makes you feel ten times worse than you already are.
Oh, how I miss the summertime...

Somewhere in the Middle

Ah, the big pre-midterm week. Everybody is running around, trying to finish reviews/study guides and making Google Docs for their classes to study jointly from, all amidst the cold bite of the winter and those awful mornings having to leave your toasty bed. I'd say midterms are worse than finals - sucks to know that after all this work, you've still got another whole half of the year to go, whereas during final exams, the air is hot, the sun is high, and you've got only one or two real days of school after the hell week.
To be honest, I'm not that nervous this year for midterms. Well, I am for English, partially, and maybe a bit for Spanish. Okay, maybe also some of physics, and we'll throw precalc in there just because. What does that leave us with? History...not worried. Nothing can be as bad as DiNardo's midterm.
Alright, so maybe I'm a little nervous for midterms. No big deal. I've been doing this for two years now, going onto my third, and it's really not something to fret about. Midterms week is fairly easy; you go in at whichever time (either 8 or 10:15) and even if you have two exams (or have a 10:15 exam) you're out of there far earlier than a regular school day. Which leaves you with plenty of time to study, relax a bit, and maybe even head to the diner for lunch and catching up with your friends.
So all in all, I guess I could say that midterms week isn't something to stress too much over.
Yet senior scheduling is - it's that time of year again, folks. Except this is the last time I'll be scheduling for next year's high school classes. I'm greatly considering dropping AP Lit next year because I don't plan on majoring in English, but I was actually thinking of minoring in it. Besides, I'm not into the whole long-dry-and-bore-yourself-to-tears reading and analyzing, and Language, Myth, & Culture (the Honors level class) sounds a lot more entertaining. They're both weighted the same GPA-wise, but I'm not sure. It's up in the air.
Definitely dropping history, though. Forget that. HA! I laugh in history's face. I'm so sick of learning the same old mistakes over and over again. Yeah, we get it. So-and-so country screwed up. I was told this in first grade. Sure, in much lesser detail, but who cares? I got the gist of it, and I'm not planning on running a nation anytime in the future, so why should I have to worry about this?
I don't have a choice - Señora is making all the Honors kids go to AP Spanish 5. I don't know if I am okay with this, but how bad can it be...? *knock on wood*
Call me crazy, but I'm going into AP Chemistry. I would really love to major in chem in college and then get my master's in education, so I could be a chem teacher, but we'll see how that goes. I heard from several sources that AP Chem is you're-going-to-want-to-kill-yourself impossible, but I seem to enjoy the subject. And everybody tells me that I should go into it, because I got an A+ as my year-round average last year. Of course, I think that my teacher boosted my final grade just a bit (a teacher who was fired for reasons unknown, by the way...) and I would be jumping from the College Prep level to the Advanced, which is skipping Honors altogether. Who knows, maybe I'll get Mitzi to tutor me over the summer in brushing up.
My other classes (besides lunch & phys ed) are also undecided. I have to take a practical art in order to graduate, so that leaves me with the options of either Computer Science (which my dad thinks I should take if I want to go into chem), Photography, or Film & Literature. I was thinking Photo, because numerous people have told me that it's not only fun, but it will take off the stress from the rest of the year. Besides, it's my senior year and I wanna have fun!
That leaves us with one more free period, and I'm in between AP Statistics and Research in Molecular Genetics. Freshman year, my biology teacher recommended me for the research class, so I was always thinking of doing that. But Stat has always appealed to me...I'm probably going to end up taking Research, though. It's more science-y, and I heard that it can be stressful at times but the workload is extremely light and I love Dr. Healey (my bio teacher & the club teacher).
So yeah, I'm not very ready for senior year yet. But I've got a whole six months to decide what I want to do, and I'm not saying they're going to be an easy six months, but hey. That's high school, ain't it? I just gotta keep my head up and enjoy being a kid.

A Burn on my Tongue...

...it reminds me of those chilly Friday nights we'd walk home after the football games and drink hot chocolate so fast our throats swelled.

The Search Begins

You know what I did this weekend?
I had fun. I lived my life and I didn't care about what other people said. I did what I wanted and I tried something new, something outside of my comfort zone. And you know what? I'm so glad that I did it, because how would I have ever known that I could do it, if I never tried it? It was certainly an experience, it was risky, and it was a bit nerve-racking, I'll admit it, but fuck it. Because I had a blast.
What exactly did I do, you may ask?
Well, aside from going to dinner and getting froyo with two of my best friends, then playing lacrosse and laying out on the field the next day, I went to a high school party. Yeah, the drinking kind.
I drank. Not a lot; not a lot at all, but it was fine. Because for once, I let go. I let go of caring, I let go of worries, and I let go of everything I would usually panic about like letting a bunch of balloons float off into the deep blue sky.
Maybe I'm finally on my way - putting my New Year's Resolution into action, and stuff, you know? Finding the Great Perhaps.
Yes, I'm finding the Great Perhaps.

New Year's Resolution 2012:

To live in search of and maybe even possibly find the Great Perhaps.